With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world. – Dalai Lama
A Story about Our Paths
Early one Sunday morning I arose before dawn to go to my usual meditation satsang. When I went out to my car, I saw that there was a very thick fog covering the ground. I could only see a short distance ahead on the old two-lane country road. Since there were not too many cars on the road at that time of the day on Sunday, I thought I would be all right on the 20 min. drive to my friend’s home. I began to think about the fog as a metaphor. I could recall many times in my life when I moved forward with faith that all would be all right, but I could not see very far down the road. An impatient man in a truck began tailgating me, wanting me to go faster, but I couldn’t because there was a car in front of me. He decided to speed up and pass us. I prayed that no one would be coming from the opposite direction. We couldn’t see far enough to know if it was safe to pass. Then I prayed that I would not come upon his wrecked truck down the road somewhere. It made me think about the risks we take when we get in a hurry to advance on our spiritual paths. The fog thinned out when we moved away from the lakes and rivers, then thickened again. I arrived safely at satsang and felt deep gratitude that nothing else happened. I reflected on the idea that reality can be foggy and sometimes I can’t see myself or others truthfully. And perhaps, I am afraid to look too deeply at my inner self.
Rachel’s eyes sat pale and lit
In the light of the dim morning.
Empty and vacant, ringed with pain.
Conversation and thoughts scattered
Between cigarettes and cups of coffee.
Longings expressed in fantasies of
Mismatched jewels and sparkling gowns of satin.
Nina Massey
Understanding Ourselves and Others
One pastime I enjoy for relaxing is reading novels, mysteries, stories about other people that present characters that have a different perspective on life and make me think about how I think about others. I was recently reading “Sweet Wind, Wild Wind[1].” It is a wonderful story about a woman who returns to the ranch on which she grew up and examines her family life through the lens of a historical project for a university. Here is one of her realizations: “It was as though reality were a book in which each chapter contained a different version of the same story, and everyone who looked at it saw a different chapter, a different slice of history, a different view of life.”
When I lived in Alaska, for seven summers I went on retreats with a spiritual teacher to a place south of Juneau on the Inside Passage, which we called Wolf Track Bay. We arrived by boat or seaplane each summer to camp out for 10 days in the wilderness, where there was no sign of humans. No electricity or devices, no noise of cars, just quiet nature all around us. We each had our own tent and we had a teepee for group meetings. Each year 13 brave souls participated, as that was the number allowed for the wilderness permit. One year a librarian came from our local school district who had never been camping or in the wild before. One day a small group of us went for a walk up the creek into the valley. When we came back to the group meeting in the teepee, our leader asked us how the walk was. You would have thought we were all on a different journey. The poor librarian was scared and uncertain the entire time, worried about bears. I had spent the walk reassuring her, helping her through the mud, and telling stories to distract her from her fear. I had noticed how beautiful the land, the mountains and the sea were, and tried pointing that out as well. A couple with us was arguing about something, and took a short detour to keep their discussion private. Others had other versions to relate. I always remember this series of events because it reminds me that even when we are together, some will notice and remember different things about what is happening. Our thoughts and memories are deeply colored by our different perspectives.
Each person can take a look at their inner self, looking at how they think, take actions and react. Looking at our concept of self, and how it has been influenced by family, friends, schoolmates, co-workers, can help us see ways in which we can make changes to improve our lives. This can be a difficult task. The challenges of the wounded inner heart give counselors and psychologists job security.
But consider this! There is no other person in the world that we can know and understand better than ourselves. Even those close to us, our partners and family have many different experiences from ours. Learning to listen with an open heart is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and to our loved ones. If we can be present, listening with appreciation, empathy and compassion, really hearing what another is saying, understanding and responding appropriately, we will greatly improve our relationships.
My Friend Kabir
Kabir said to me,
Why am I here?
The Lord works his wonders in many ways.
Sing praises to Allah.
Who am I?
The Lord has worked his wonders in many ways.
Sing praises to Allah.
Kabir wanders about the town
Wondering who he is and why he is here.
The answer comes hidden
In the beauty of daily work.
All praise to Allah.
Nina Massey
Ways of Looking at Others
Perception is a way of using the senses to understand the world. Sometimes we perceive things that are real. Sometimes we use media to learn about things which may or may not be real. The way we think about what we see and hear in the world can be influenced by our feelings and emotions. It can also be influenced by our storehouse of previous impressions, called samskaras in Hinduism. Our ‘mindfield’ is full of impressions from our previous actions and experiences. These can be subtle and mysteriously influence the way we respond to others.
Sometimes, as a defense mechanism, we react and project undesirable feelings and emotions on others when we are in a difficult situation. These projected feelings are often from our storehouse of unwanted memories and impressions of similar situations. We can be triggered into feelings that are stored in our bodies, hearts, and minds. We assume that we know what the other person is feeling, based upon our own prior feelings in an analogous situation. Psychologists say that we are in denial that we have these negative feelings inside ourselves and then we attribute them to others. For example, someone who reacts with anger may have a great storehouse of unconscious, denied anger, and always be bothered by others who react with anger.
I lost something that day.
I lay in my bed
On my stomach.
The marks across my back
His footprints.
Marks of where and how
He forced me.
Lying under white sheets
Curled in a ball
Filled with shame.
Waiting.
I lost something that day.
The rhythm of my heart
Out of beat with my soul.
It would take a lifetime to regain it.
Nina Massey
Identity
Forming an identity or sense of self is a natural process which begins in childhood. Our self-concept, our view internally of our strengths and weaknesses, is a key component of our identity. We also can identify with the groups we belong to, our schools, churches, political affiliations, sports teams, hobbies, etc.
Today in the political arena identity has been weaponized. Being called a Democrat or a Republican, a Liberal or a Conservative is being used to divide and conquer. Gender, race, sexual identity etc. are frequently used to divide people into ‘us’ and ‘them.’ Sometimes belonging to a group can be healthy, allowing one to have a sense of belonging to a group of friends who are interested in doing something together or are of like-minded beliefs and viewpoints. Sometimes group identity can be counterproductive and separate us from others, thereby reducing our chances for friendship.
Mandala of Opposites
Winter & Summer
Spring & Autumn
North & South
East & West
Stars & Moon
Clouds & Sun
Solar System & Atomic Structure
Hot & Cold
Order & Chaos
Gold & Carbon
Superior & Inferior
Safety & Danger
Peace & War
Love & Hate
Angel & Devil
Pride & Humility
Harmony & Disharmony
Inner & Outer
Light & Darkness
Heaven & Hell
Nina Massey
Comparison & Superiority
Identity can be used in a dysfunctional way when we compare our selves or the groups to which we belong as better or worse than another. It’s worthwhile to spend some time watching our thinking process and how this dynamic operates in our lives. Our motives and intentions as we relate with others bear watching. If our self-concept is low, we might want to act or talk as if we are superior to others. Insecurity is often at the root of the drive to appear to be better or the best.
Another aspect of identity worth noticing, is the need and desire to label things or groups of people. Labeling is perhaps a way to tell others what they should think and how they should behave, based on the label ascribed to them. Stereotyping, bullying and self-fulfilling prophecies can arise from use of labels. Sometimes a ‘label’ becomes a stigma, and separates us from others.
The Blue Jay
Out of the silence
Into the fray
The blue jay steps
With audacity.
Perched on the edge
Of the great unknown
Squawking with glee
In the midst of melee.
Nina Massey
Labeling Theory
One of the most serious consequences of labeling others is that this label may become a self-fulfilling prophecy or a stereotype. In schools, labeling a child as having a learning disability may affect their self-concept for the rest of their lives. Separation from others can also occur when we dislike Democrats and only want to be part of the Republican Party. This belief can influence outlook and behavior in ways that are counterproductive. We may react in a negative way if we know that someone is a ‘liberal’ or has ‘right-wing’ beliefs. Any label applied to others which causes us to feel aversion can lessen our opportunities to make friends and show love.
| Consider the labels which you apply to yourself and to others. Do they allow you the ‘dream’ the life you want into being?[2] |
Dreaming of Bear
I have been running from bear,
Afraid of my innermost thoughts,
Afraid of the silence and the void.
I have been running from bear,
Protecting the new young places in me,
Running in fear from the knowing.
I have turned and faced bear,
And fed him the sweetness of truth,
The honey of friendship bringing us together.
I have been running from bear,
Closing the door to inner wisdom.
In confusion, shutting out the teacher.
Why was I running from bear?
He reminds me of my inner strength
And brings me gifts of self-knowledge.
Nina Massey
Identity Politics
Skin can be our protection or our enemy. Many challenges arise from the color of our skin, be we brown, white, black or yellow. Also, the thickness and thinness of our skin can sometimes be an issue in our relationships.
According to Louise Hay, skin problems can arise from anxiety, from worries and from old impressions or samscaras.[3] Someone who is thin-skinned is extremely sensitive to offhand comments, criticism, put downs. They are soft and tender like a baby or a young child, not yet guarded against the pain and turmoil of life. If we are thick-skinned, we are said to be tough, impervious, insensitive.
When we are self-conscious, when we think about ourselves and how we believe others think about us, we can become reactive, worried, concerned, anxious. Perhaps we need to step back and take the point of view of the person we are concerned about. What is happening in their life? Did they get enough rest the night before? Are they worried about their loved ones? Have they been experiencing failure in some part of their life? All of us react out of our own reality. Yes, there can be stimulus outside ourselves that causes us to react. Perhaps we rerun a situation around and around the hamster wheel in our minds, wishing we acted different or that someone we care about didn’t say something to us. Negative self-talk can be debilitating and self-defeating.
One of the stances in A Mindset for Learning[4] is resilience. Resilience is our ability after failure to get back up and try again. If we realize that mistakes and failure are a normal part of the process of learning, we can say, ‘OK, that didn’t work or go well.’ Reboot, rethink and consider another path or solution. And try and try again.
There is a time for inner reflection and a time for focus on the work we are doing. My dear friend and teacher Nuria Sabato recommended “renunciation of thoughts of the self.” My teacher Shabda Khan always told us that it is thinking about ourselves, and thinking about what we think others may be thinking about us that distracts us from thoughts of the Divine. When we can set aside our problems and issues and focus on the prayers and spiritual practices, we can enter a state of being in which the Divine speaks to us. We can listen and hear guidance. Let us all find a way to hear ‘The Spirit of Guidance.’[5]
[1] Lowell, Elizabeth. Sweet Wind, Wild Wind, p. 89. 1987: Severn House Publishers Ltd.
[2] Life Potentials: What is labeling Theory Psychology? The World Counts. Retrieved from http://www.theworldcounts.com/life/potentials/what-is-labeling-theory-psychology
[3] Hay, Louise. The Essential Louise Hay Collections. 2013: Hay House, Inc.
[4] Mraz, Kristine & Hertz, Christine. A Mindset for Learning. 2015: Heinemann.
[5] Hazrat Inayat Khan. Vol. IX: The Unity of Religious Ideals. Part III: The Spirit of Guidance. Retrieved from https://wahiduddin.net/mv2/IX/IX_15.htm