Facing Death

On the Sufi path, forgetting about the Divine is considered a kind of death.  When I recently faced my own mortality, while extremely ill in the hospital for 7 days, I found that remembering the Divine was more difficult than I thought it would be.  The fog of illness and medications covered my mind, even while awake.  It was the simplest of practices that helped me the most.  I had recently taken a class on healing with Murshid Aslan.  He gave simple practice which I had adopted in my daily morning practices, as I have been dealing with a rare autoimmune disorder. The practice is simply breathing in a relaxing manner, perhaps with the breath of the earth, in and out the nose, with Ya Shafi on the in breath, Ya Kafi on the out breath,  21 times.  The 21 times became a way of continuing this prayer longer than I might have in the weakness of my illness. Lengthening and deepening the breath bit by bit helped improve my oxygen levels. Focusing my mind on the Divine Healer bringing a remedy which my body, heart and soul needed, kept me uplifted and hopeful.  And finally, the surrender to the will of God allowed a level of relaxation and peace to enter my heart. I prayed that if I could still be of service to the Divine, I would recover.  If it was time for a transition, that was all right as well. 

Each of us travels a different journey with challenges along the way.  It is my hope that within these reflections on my recent experiences, that I can perhaps give some insights which might be of help to others. 

I had the incredible blessing of having a near death experience in the early 90’s, in which I was above my body looking down on it, my body in a state of immobility.  I felt an incredible state of utter bliss.  I did not want to go back into my body in fear of leaving behind this feeling.  In fact, I mourned for weeks afterward, and tried to find my purpose and reason for living again. This experience has helped me understand that death is not an ending, but a beginning of a new adventure. I can remember the state of bliss with concentration. It removed my fear of death.  

I know that I will mourn the loss of loved ones when my time comes, knowing that this same mandala of incarnations that share my life will never be the same.  Once, I met a friend in Alaska who played a bodhran in an Irish band and was a fantastic storyteller.  I dreamed of living with him in Ireland that night.  I was a sculptor, making a bust of him, as he was in that life in Ireland.  He did not look as he did in this lifetime, but I recognized him and his spirit. I know I will meet my loved ones again.  But it will be challenging to leave them all behind, just as it is to let them go if they leave first. 

Unveiling

Each morning I do my set of practices and meditate, hoping for a taste of Divinity’s inner stillness.  Often insights arise out of the feelings that are in my heart when I look deeply into it.  I only allow myself to read or think about spiritual teachings before my practices, as much as my daily life concerns and responsibilities allow. 

Today, I had to take my medication with food before my practices, as I had a late start to the morning.  I began reading the introduction to a new book by Kabir Helminski, In the House of Remembering.  A student of his recalls the experience of his first Sufi retreat with Zikr, the ecstasy and heart opening he experienced. As I read, I felt jealous.  Why hadn’t I had that intense of an experience at my first retreat?  

Later, as I was meditating, the insight came that I have been veiled by experiences of sorrow, anger, frustration, fear, anxiety, etc. in this lifetime and others.  That my experience of the fogginess of illness and medication gave me an opportunity to encounter the depth of veiling over my heart. During my illness, I felt like I was trying to dive under the fog to get to the place in me where the Divine resides, to my own true inner being. 

I realized that I needed to forgive myself for allowing this covering of my soul to occur.  This habitual pattern of protecting myself closed my heart to not only the pain, but also the love, joy and happiness that come with daily living.  Glimpses of Divinity kept me searching.  Daily practices and meditation help bring about a gradual upliftment. But sometimes we are given opportunities to learn what we need to do during sudden events. My daily practice of the three forgiveness wazifas have taken on a new meaning.  New levels of understanding are being uncovered, even after years of daily repetition.

Ya Ghafar asks us to allow in the idea of forgiveness and accept its possibility.  Ya Ghafur works deep in the heart where we have stored pain and suffering, asking us to let go of it.  With Ya Tawwab we turn away from our perceptions of anger, grudges, etc. to the Divine.  Ya Afuw washes away the last remnants, just as the wind blows away footprints in the sand. 

Following my Dreams 

I had the great fortune to study Jungian dream therapy for years in Alaska with a wonderful spiritual teacher, David LaChapelle.  He was trained at Naropa in Boulder.  He studied and practiced many paths, including Buddhism and the Lakota teachings of John Fire Lame Dear.  For years we met weekly in dream class, each sharing a dream and learning from it.    Personal assignments designed to explore inner life were given to each.  Mine included many painting and drawing assignments, hiking and exploring the outdoors, weaving, etc.  

I learned that watching and paying attention to my dreams helped me understand the state of my subconscious.  When I was in the hospital, it was very hard to stay asleep long enough to get to deep sleep or dreaming. Someone is always coming in to take vitals, draw blood, administer medications, change IV bags, etc. But when I did go into a dream state, it was always something simple from daily life, like teaching preschool kids.  Lots of love and pleasant states.  This seemed like a good indication that for now, I did not have many demons chasing me.  Not anger, frustration, anxiety, etc.  Since I have come home and been able to sleep for longer periods of time, the same simplicity and pleasant thoughts have followed me.  I feel blessed, and know that I have made good choices about what I allow to enter and fill my mind. I have worked hard to feel at ease with my imperfections, mistakes and human frailty. 

I learned about this when my older sister was in the hospital in Norway.  I took a leave from work and traveled across the sea to be with her and help get her home to Seattle. The medical system in Norway was fabulous.  The nurses and doctors met daily and communicated across all departments concerning the care of the whole person. They took paid attention to all her needs.  When we were finally able to take her home to Seattle on Air Ambulance Norway, she then entered Swedish Hospital.  The American system is very different. Specialists separate care into different parts of the hospital.  Communication happens with charts hung on beds, hoping they will be read. My sister entered an infectious disease area of the hospital. She was taken cold-turkey off a medicine for the psychosis that had arisen while she was on morphine for 41 days. The med had not been approved by the FDA yet.  No substitute was prescribed.  She began hallucinating, having extreme paranoid thought about people and events. Her mind was replaying thoughts of fear and anxiety over and over. I later found out it was partly because she had always had a love of horror.  She read horror novels like Steven King and watched all the horror movies she could find.  She had filled her mind with thoughts and dreams of the most horrific scenarios. I learned about how important the ‘entertainment’ we fill our minds with can be to our mental health, particularly when medications loosen our control of our thoughts and dreams. 

Gratitude 

Looking at life with gratitude can keep our minds on the Divine.  Ya Shakur Allah for all the beautiful teachers who have entered my life, filled me with love, and taught me so many ways to be of service with love in my heart. Ya Shakur Allah for all the generous and loving family members and friends who have helped me and each other. Ya Shakur Allah for a the beautiful, healing glimpses of nature which I have had the fortune to view in my life. Ya Shakur Allah for the opportunity to live this life!